On Bitches and Breeders

So you want to buy a dog. Sounds so simple. It can be, until you make the decision to buy a pure bred dog of some kind. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that and you’ll probably enjoy your pet for years to come, IF AND ONLY IF you are worthy of that particular breed. Yes, I said worthy and that will only be determined by the inquiring and all knowing mind of…….(que scary organ music)……THE BREEDER. Before you decide to continue this quest could I recommend some other adventure, say, smuggling cigars from Cuba or wearing a heavy underwire bra through airport security. Getting caught can be painful and humiliating (not that I have tried smuggling cigars), but not quite as humbling as the interrogation you will experience when trying to obtain a dog from (organ music) THE BREEDER. See, just the mere fact that I used the term “dog” would probably ruin my chances of obtaining one from (organ……and this will be the last time I do this) THE BREEDER. You see, when inquiring about a certain breed you are to reference the dog by the breed. For instance, if you want a Golden Retriever you should ask the breeder that you are looking in to the Goldens that are availabe. If you merely state that you want to know about that breeders “dogs” this is somehow condescending and your chances of any luck with this breeder are slim. It’s also a good idea to reference the dog’s sex as either a male or a bitch. While this does not work well at a bar it seems to be the preference of breeders. Breeders seem to relish bragging on their animals with phrases like, “Oh, she’s a wonderful bitch” or “this bitch has a wonderful temperment”, again not so much at a bar. Once you get the terminology down be prepared with such information as your age, marital status, ages of your children, yard size, blood type and astrological sign. Most breeders would never sell their bitch to a Taurus. I once had a friend that lied in a breeders application just to get a dog. He stated that he was married with 3 children and had a large yard, all of which were untrue. The breeder bought the lies but turned my friend down when the puppies were born because my friend had not called to “check in” during the bitch’s pregnancy. The fatal mistake came when my friend said “What’s the big deal, it’s just a dog!” As you can guess my friend remained dogless. The only thing left after the inquery is actually paying for the animal. The price varies between breeds but always goes up when there are dog show awards in the dogs lineage. Mind you, the dogs do not arrive trained. You pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars for a puppy that acts like your kid on sugar. Apparently the well bred dogs have the “potential” for greatness, that is of course only after years of training. So you finally have the dog. Don’t think you have escaped the watchful eye of the breeder just yet. Expect phone calls ever so often and maybe even a surprise visit! It is so worth it though. Who cares that your neigbors $8 pound puppy is incredible. You have a $1500 puppy eating the legs off your coffee table but your bitch is pure quality. Cuba is nice this time of year…….and go braless.