On the Golden Globes and your Abnormality

Ok, so I just watched the Golden Globe awards and I want to puke. I knew better, every award show that involves actors does this to me. It’s not difficult to decipher why I have this reaction, I mean please, you’ve got these one time high school dorks who get paid millions to play make believe, accepting awards with a pomp and zeal that would give one reason believe they were being honored for curing cancer. Trust me, cancer cure awards just don’t get the ratings…..however, a golden globe for best supporting actor in a mini series about the cure for cancer, well we’ve got something sponsor worthy right there. The acceptance speeches are what suicides are made of. I found myself actually praying that the winner was absent and that the presenters would accept on their behalf. These people really, really, really believe that they have something radically important to say and that you really really want to hear it…no, you NEED to hear it. You know what? It’s not their fault. This small twisted group of people have self admittedly always been a little different. These speeches simply reflect this strangeness along with the fact that they are being recognized for playing at the top of their game. So what does make them think that you really really want to hear what they have to say? IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! You empower these people into actually thinking they ARE important. You want it and you need it and why? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT NORMAL. Take it from me, you may think your normal but you are not. I know this because I am one of the few normal people out there and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM. You people watch these award shows and have a warm and fuzzy feeling afterwards. You cry at the acceptance speeches and you swoon over the dresses. The one positive thing is that you will walk away with a lot of very important political advice from these very important people, thank god, how would you ever have known who to vote for? You think this is normal behavior……it’s not. Here is a sampling to determine if you are abnormal.
You religiously watch Oprah.
You religiously watch Tyra, skip religiously…. If you’ve ever made it to the end of a Tyra show you are not normal.
You regularly laugh at commercials.
You laugh at Oprah.
You laugh at Tyra.
(note to reader: my agent has brought to my attention that I have only mentioned African American hosts to this point)…….(additional note to reader: I actually have no agent .)
You watch The Real Wives of Orange County, let me see…..ok, I think I’m good here.
You regularly watch The View
You regularly watch any morning News Show…..and like it.
Now if you’re reading this article you just may be norm-curious. You’re wondering what this normal thing is all about. Let me tell you, it’s not worth it. It is a very lonely, frustrating and painful existence. Trust me, you are much better off remaining abnormal and to be honest the economy could not survive without you. Just imagine a world of normal people…….and I’m only touching upon the entertainment segment. To begin with, Hollywood would actually have to come up with a creative thought. Television would be relegated to only showing Seinfeld reruns. 99% of all commercials would disappear…..yeah no more Taco Whatever commercials. Tabloids would fold and Blockbuster would have to downgrade their inventory to around 100 movies. You trying to be normal is like going on a diet for the rest of your life. Just imagine being in the grocery line and trying to resist the People with Clay Aiken on the cover, tough stuff. See if you can avoid the Oprah episode where she grieves about gaining 50lbs...no not that one, I’m talking about the 3rd time after that last time, yeah that one, you know you need to watch it. My advice to you? Soldier on you abnormal freaks. Go ahead, stare at the local weatherman eating lunch, live your life through the Bachelor, laugh till you pee at every lame sitcom out there and for gods sake go soak up some Tyra. As for me, I’ll be watching Seinfeld and getting shrinkage thinking of you.