On Turnpike Tolls and Other Invasions of Privacy

I get a lot of telephone calls. These calls are usually labeled “unavailable” on caller id. These calls are almost always credit card companies. They call me because I owe them money. I owe everyone money. I probably owe you money. These calls, which come at a frequency of about 35 a minute, are constant reminders to me of just what a loser I am. My car, which I still owe on, is the only place in which I can find solace from these frequent reminders of loserdom. Ahhh, nothing like driving down the highway. All alone, cell phone off, just me and the road. Just beginning to feel good about myself when I pass a turnpike toll monitor and it flashes LOW ACCOUNT BALANCE. Great! Not only do I know I’m a loser but now every other car on the road knows it too. You can sense the minivan pulling up next to you and the father saying, “Look kids, there he is, THE LOW ACCOUNT BALANCE GUY!” And there is no way you can get off the turnpike. At last count, Oklahoma had only 2 streets that were not turnpikes and I owe money to half the people on those streets. Not a bad slogan for the Chamber. Come to Oklahoma, Land of Pikes. Of course, you know what’s going to happen. In a couple of years these pike monitors are going to get smarter and smarter. Well not that smart. I mean smart enough to be governor but not smart enough to own a Krispy Kreme franchise. Anyway someday, and mark my words on this, you’ll be driving down the pike and you’ll hit one of these monitors and boom, it’ll spit out, LOW ACCOUNT BALANCE, THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOUR TEETH. There will be no escaping the watchful eye of the evil turnpike monitor. Most writers would now insert a reference to the phrase “Big Brother is Watching You.” Those writers of course would have actually read the book 1984 with that phrase in it. Unfortunately, that book was not one of the 8 books I have read since the fifth grade and regrettably the phrase “I do not like them Sam I am” does not fit at this time. Anyway, the point is, everyone knows too much about everyone else. No one likes it unless of course it’s not you, but hey, that’s they way it is in our dangerous world so deal with it. See, you feel better now don’t you. You laughed a little and for just a few minutes you forgot all your problems except one. I’ll pay you man, I’ll pay you I swear!