On Jury Duty and Peers

Maybe I live right or maybe I’m just plain lucky because for the third time in 12 years the court house computer has once again spit out my name to serve on Jury Duty. If you’ve never had the pleasure of participating in this civic duty the word Duty is taken very seriously by the courthouse staff. When you hit the courtroom floor you will be informed no less than 150 times that it is your honor and Duty as an American to serve as a juror. Make that 175 times if you have the misfortune of meeting with the judge in an effort to get out of said honor. The honor part is a little hard for me to take. I mean, I’m required to rearrange my entire life and spend a week with “ the midway at the fair” people because someone did something stupid. Why should the ignorance of one person be an imposition on my life? Is that selfish of me? Why isn’t someone assigned to Nick Duty? Everytime I do something stupid I can count on someone on Nick Duty to help me out. Of course, I really shouldn’t gripe, jury duty pays $20 a day. Pretty sweet deal, honor, duty AND I get paid.
Let me walk you through the process. At 8am you are herded into a room with about 500 other potential jurors. Our courthouse happens to be in the basement of the building. There’s nothing quite like being underground with people you would rarely say hello to, much less spend time with and decide the fate of another persons life. Most people down there look as miserable as I do but there is always a group of people that are giddy over the experience. No doubt these people watch reruns 12 hours a day and are living their dream. As a professional juror I have learned one very important lesson. I want to share this lesson with you now so pull your chair up a little closer….are you ready?….here it is…..YOU DON’T EVER WANT TO BE TRIED BY A JURY! Why? Because jurors are CRAZY. The 7th amendment of the Bill of Right states that you have the right to be tried by a jury of your peers. According to the dictionary, peer means to be of equal standing or belonging to the same societal standing based on age, grade or status. I gotta tell you, in all my journeys to the underworld, I have yet to find any one close to what I would call a peer or would want as a peer. That doesn’t matter to the court. Basically your peers will be selected for you by attorneys who will ask you questions in order to ascertain if you will be the correct peer who will believe his clients lies in order to win the big bucks. This line of questioning is called “Voir Dire”, and is the next turn of your adventurous duty.
Voir dire” is a french term meaning “speak the truth”. Voir dire is fun. The attorney asks you your name, address, occupation, children’s name and ages, blood type, turn ons and turn offs etc…… to determine if you fall into their peer requirements. All these very personal questions are answered in the presence of an alleged serial killer who is assumed innocent until proven guilty. The assumed innocent defendents family and friends are also privy to this information as well. I’m always a little concerned that this assumed innocent guy or his family will show up at my house with an axe and allegedly chop me into little pieces.
After selection of the jury the trial begins. The jurors are all instructed to avoid discussing the case with ANYONE during breaks. Approximately 2.5 seconds into the break every juror is talking about every facet of the case as well as the guilt or innocence of the defendant. Trials are as a rule VERY BORING. During my last two cases, the judge actually fell asleep. As boring as they are, we jurors tend to quit listening to actual facts of the case and begin to notice personal things. It might be the attorneys tie, or his shoes, or the way he clears his throat. NOTE TO ATTORNEYS: Don’t be an arrogant jerk, this may be impossible for some to overcome but the jurors notice it and you WILL lose. Trust me, it happens every time. Evidence shmevidence, you make one arrogant move suit boy and we will fry your client. Like I said, jurors are crazy.
Deliberation time. The jurors are sent to a room to reach a verdict. The operative word used to describe deliberations is, scary, FREAKING SCARY. As soon as the jury is dismissed into the deliberation room, something happens. All the crazy peers get even crazier. Maybe it’s because the case can be “officially” discussed but all this pent up insanity comes pouring out. Some just want to get it over with, guilty, innocent, they just want out of there. Some want to relive every court case they’ve seen on television for the last 25 years, I swear once I actually heard someone mention the “grassy knoll”. Did I mention how scary jurors are? How a verdict is ever reached is a miracle and is exactly why there’s such a thing called an “appeal.” An appeal in a nutshell is the search for more or less crazy jurors based on what verdict you are looking for.
The verdict is the final stage in which a decision of guilt or innocence is made and with that decision the chance that the now proven guilty may write a new “Silence of the Lambs” sequel. But hey, it’s a dangerous world out there, a world that needs us peers to stick together and perform our duty with honor……….. and did I mention the 20 bucks?