On Highways and Poetry

I was watching tv the other day and happened to see one of those “Vacation In Our State” ads. It was a nice piece put out by the State Tourism Department. I was really impressed by the beautiful waterfalls, mountains and forests. What puzzled me is that I’ve lived in this state for over 40 years and have never seen anything that came close to what I saw in that commercial. I’m thinking maybe our guy’s may have snapped a few of those shots just across the border. I decided that I was going to get in my car and find out for myself just what this state looks like. I regret to report that I found no waterfalls, mountains or forests. What I did see were a number of impressive motels that actually had ( now brace yourselves) FREE HBO AND……….COLD AIR!. That’s right, I said COLD AIR. The hopelessly uninformed would not realize that cold air happens to be a very hot commodity in the motel business these days. I also had never noticed what an Old World feel my state had. This was obvious by the number of businesses that ended with the word “Shoppe.” There was the “Pizza Shoppe,” the “Nut Shoppe”, the “Gas Shoppe”, and the “Junk Shoppe”. I always feel like instant “classe” is achieved when “shoppe” is used. Of course the spelling could have been my imagination as my vision was blurred from the vibration caused by my car hitting the award winning potholes that dot our beautiful state highways. Although all these sightings were memorable none were more moving than the impressive signs put out by the State Highway Dept. You see them about every 3 miles. First there was the one promoting seat belt safety, it read “Click it, or Ticket”. Another encouraged general driving safety, “Drive to Arrive Alive. My question is who is the gifted State Highway Poet coming up with this stuff? I mean, when you can bring words to life like that it can almost give you chills. In addition to the amazing creativity that went into this roadway literature, it probably only cost the state a few hundred thousand dollars to create such art. Well worth it of course. I mean, these poets work hard for their money. You can just picture a staff meeting now. “Ok people, we’ve got a tough one today, we have got to come up with a phrase that rhymes with ticket.” Although “Wicket”, “Stick it”, and “Lick it” came very close, when “Click It” rolled off the tongue of the Master Highway Poet the tears flowed freely that day. Drive to Arrive Alive was of course a stroke of genius, obviously because of the the three word rhyme or the “hat trick” as it’s called in the highway biz. By far my favorite highway poetry was the one dealing with the sick crime of child abuse. I feel the highway poets gave child abuse a black eye when they came up with, “NO EXCUSE, CHILD ABUSE”. Whoa. Just sit back, close your eyes and just feel the impact of that statement. There’s no telling how many child abusers out there drive by those signs and instantly change their mind about beating Johnny. Now, I’m not that good with rhymes and I’m definitely not worthy of highway poet status, but I’m thinking that a sign dealing with child abuse should rhyme something like this, “CHILD ABUSE, DO IT AND WE WILL PERSONALLY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.” Okay, like I said, not great with the rhyme thing, but I think it’s one of those catchy phrases that could just run through your head all day long. So Highway Poets I salute you. Keep putting your art out there. My fear is that with state cutbacks your work could be in danger. I implore the state, leave the potholes and keep the signs! And readers, remember this, “READ NICK DANGER, YOUR DANGEROUS WORLD RANGER.” Still working on ye old rhyme. Enjoy the cold air.